Things I Am Hoping For Right Now
I find I am at my most interesting when I am in a vulnerable hormonal rage. It is where my honestly thrives. I feel like a drunken sailor thrown about by the waves of respectability and forced smiles. My clown makeup is put on haphazardly and sloppy today. My laugh is a bit dull and my eyes are bloodshot from crying and my vices.
I wish I could just write.
I wish I didn’t have to be anything other than a writer. I wish I could just sit at home and comment on the world and have conversations with others. I wish I could sit in beautiful coffee shops and observe. I wish I could just feel the depths of the human soul and just report on it. I wish I could reach into the heart of our planet and rip out every false metallic lie that has been implanted in order to make us run on a metaphorical treadmill into the ground.
I wish I could be free.
But no matter what it is never enough. I can’t scam enough to be rich. I can’t lie enough to be cool. I can’t smile enough to make enough money. I can’t do the things that are required to live a comfortable life. I morally cannot.
I am currently studying law and ethics in my psychology masters program.
Reading the text the white woman who wrote the book we are required to read is obviously racist. Her analogies all come from a perspective of policing and trying to have a moral high ground where internally you report. Within your heart you assume. The whole point is to subjugate and use your power to assume the worst from marginalized communities and contribute to the system and separate them from their families. The goal is to deport, to jail, to build psychological cases against. To harm and to create silos of normal versus what isn’t considered to be so. Now there are some things that are important about not having relationships with clients and other obvious ethical things but her stance on morality is inherently racist and makes me gag.
Our society for mental health in the United States is built upon a morality rooted in subjugation, capitalism, and white supremacy.
This is sickening. It is hard writing papers that I don’t believe in to get a license that gives me the right to cause harm to black families.
Yes there are those of us who want to do the right thing. There are those of us who have hope in our hearts but I’m not going to gloss over the fact that the system is inherently sick.
There is hope. There is beauty. But if we as clinicians and future clinicians don’t address the roots and the macro issues within our profession we are no better than the police who abuse their power and shoot black children dead in the streets.
It’s been hard to want to be a therapist lately. As I learn and read more. The less I want to be apart of it. The same happened to me with acting, the music industry, and everything. Once I see the ugly side I run. Everything has a hideously ugly side.
I wish it didn’t.
But it does.
I’ve been feeling the world in my bones lately. I’ve been holding my loved ones who are experiencing genocide in Palestine and the Congo and Ethiopia. I have been weeping and crying out and unable to fathom there is a God when the world has been so cruel.
I think we have to say it.
I think the less we say it the worse it gets.
I think the more we close our eyes and privately wish and pray the more they just continue to cause harm and we are just puppets hiding in the shadows.
It’s all horrible. Everything is.
We have to talk about it. I used to think that it was important to hide it and to look for the silver lining but there is no damn silver lining. It is all shit. We have to say it is and collectively make a choice to do something different.
Individually we can use our voices but collectively we have to act. I don’t know what that will look like or if we will get to that point but for now, I’ll just continue to scream into the void and feel everything in my empathic muscle sinew and hopefully we can come to conclusion on what to do soon.
I am hoping for peace soon.
I am hoping for liberation for all people.
I am longing to only live in words.
I am longing for a true smile to come upon the face of our world.
I am hoping for revolution.
I am hoping for a fire to start within us.
Soon.
