My Real Personal Statement for my PhD
I’m applying for PhD programs right now and I am freaking out.
I want to tell people who I am but the void is trying to destroy me right now. The void is my new name for my darkness. It’s a new name for the generational trauma and curses that have been laid upon me through coming from enslaved peoples and also through familial trauma. It’s not me but it’s A collective part of my history and self. (I’ll write more about that later)
It is telling me that I’m too radical, too dangerous. It is telling me that I am not the right type of person for a PhD. It’s telling me that I have been through too much or that I haven’t been through enough. It’s telling me that I am too weird and too different. It is telling me that I am too sensitive and that academia is going to eat me alive and steal my light until there is nothing left. It is telling me that I need to relax. It is telling me that I need to just relax into it and let go of even trying. It is telling me that I should even drop out of my MA program right now and just lay down in my apartment and quit. It’s telling me that none of this is for me. It’s telling me that I don’t belong. It’s telling me that I never have been enough and I never will be enough.
I’m just saying all of this to expose the void for what it is. I’m letting all of my secret thoughts out so they have no control…
