I’ve Been In A Storm Lately
It’s been hard to write here because of the cruel demon between my ears that tellsme I am horrible and my writing is shit. It pushed me away from here for about three months. It’s the longest I’ve gone without writing on here in awhile. My last rambling was about my PhD Statement. I did apply, but for a PsyD this time. We shall see where that leads us.
I’m working on having some form of esteem. Right now I mostly feel numb and afraid. I want to go to sleep. I feel so exhausted with doing anything and I feel bad about my exhaustion. I’ve been doing everything lately.
My husband has been sea sick from grief and hallucinating from mental illness lately so I’ve been steering the ship. I hate steering the ship. I’ve been steering, swabbing the deck, charting the path and I’ve been feeling so alone. I know people would say to leave but I don’t want to. I believe he will get better. His mother died and he is finally feeling every part of her death. He was numb for awhile and now he is frozen. Before he was feeling nothing and he was able to do things. Now he’s feeling so much he can’t move from the immensity of his grief. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could take it from his body and give it to me. I can handle sadness and keep moving. It’s been my whole life. I don’t mourn, I don’t feel, I keep moving until I collapse. Maybe I’m doing that now. I loved my mother in law.
Anyway, a house wracked by grief is hard. Our dog helps. We got a dog, but the catch is my husband has been too depressed to take care of him. So I’ve been doing all the heavy lifting, taking care of a traumatized rescue German shepherd, going to work, going to my internship and applying for a doctoral program. It feels like a fever dream. I don’t know when it will end. I don’t now what it means.
Once again, I don’t have a structure here or something to wrap up my feelings with a bow, but they are overflowing.
I think the point of this is to say I’m still here. I’m just doing a lot. I will write again soon.
Thanks for reading my work in the meantime.
❤️
