This is the hardest time in my husband’s life. This is the birthday month of his mother who passed away in July and this has been the hardest grieving he has shown me so far. He usually pushes through and doesn’t want to talk about it. Even in the time when she passed away he was still his jovial self and full of love and abundance. He usually is making jokes and able to talk about things but lately he has been numb. My husband is a New Yorker who is loud and rambunctious and just pure fire. He is an earthquake when he laughs and deeply contributes to every conversation he is in no matter how small. When you see someone like that go numb it is extremely scary.
I have been crying out to God and the universe to ease his pain. I have been feeling pain too because I loved his mother but I can’t even imagine how he is feeling.
I know we are going to have to do a ceremony for her in nature on her birthday. I want us to drive up to the ocean and listen to Celia Cruz who she loved and release a bundle of flowers. I want us to go up to the top of a mountain and dance because she loved dancing. I don’t know how it should look yet but I know she would want us to celebrate her life.
In the movies you always see the one going through the grief and the supporter of the person looks strong and confident and ready, but they don’t tell you that you are hurting too. They don’t show you the other side when you are trying to hold it all together. They don’t show the days you call out of work because everything hurts and you don’t know how to stand up in this pain. As an empath I take on his pain and help him stand, but I can’t falter because when I falter he falters with me.
It’s terrifying but true. We hold each other up. We remind each other to be present the best way we can. Both of us had to call out of work yesterday. I still feel a bit guilty about it. We both just sat on the couch and cried. Remembering sending mama birthday cards and calling her on his birthday. Remembering her calling us to remind us it was her birthday and that we were going to forget. Remembering the ambushes she would do on our lives that we would do anything for now. I would give anything for her disruption. I would give anything for her Brooklyn Puerto Rican magic to be doused all over our home and fill it with joy and chaos and beauty. I still feel it, but it feels further away. I miss her but I know that my missing her pales in comparison to what my partner is feeling.
I wish anyone who is grieving a loved one peace today. I wish anyone who is grieving care and comfort today. I wish anyone who is feeling pain to feel some peace today.